Book review: 'Therapy' by Kathryn Perez

I’m needy.

I’m broken.

Cutting breaks through my numbness, but only opens more wounds.

Depression, self-harm, bullying....that's my reality.

Sex and guys....that's my escape.

The space between the truth and lies is blurred leaving me torn, lost and confused. And while the monsters that live in my head try to beat me-- the two men that I love try to save me.

This is my story of friendship, heartache, and the grueling journey that is mental-illness.

Sometimes you have to get lost in order to be found…

This book broke my heart in a million ways. It's amazingly written, and I hope it opens a lot of people's minds who still think that bullying people, and mental illness are jokes.

Jess's story shows how these things can affect a person's life, how it can bring out the worst in them and how it makes each day a struggle. A constant battle of holding on or letting go. Jess fights until she gives up because she thinks she has no reasons left to fight for, when Jace enters her life. She already knows him, but doesn't know him at all, at the same time. Jace wants to save her, he wants to help her, make right for those he couldn't save and lost in his life.

Jess struggles every day. Cutting, sex and alcohol are her escape, trying to numb the pain. She needs guys, needs their attention, clings to them to feel something until it always becomes too much and she's left alone. Bullied in school; it's her reality, her every day life. Because she's different they bully her, hurt her, make her feel worthless. All she does is try to numb the pain.

“The thin line between pain and pleasure always sits just beneath the surface for me.” - Jess

Kathryn Perez has a way of describing Jess's emotions and her thoughts in a way that keeps you on the edge of your chair. I could barely put this book down.

The story and the ending were nothing I expected. Jess and Jace lose each other due to decisions made out of desperation and fear, and they find each other again when Jess finally has to get help. Jace still tries to save her until he realizes that she needs his pure love, not his need to save her.

Things that no one could have foreseen pull them apart and bring them back together. But there is still this constant struggle between the two. Can Jess leave her fears behind and finally love herself and accept who she is? She needs someone to accept the woman she is, not try to make what she was better. That's where Kingsley comes into the picture. He shows her what love really is, what loving another person feels like. Not because you feel the need to love them, but because you feel it. Just feel.

“He had just kissed the spot that always reminded me of how broken I really was. He still wanted me anyway, and I loved him for it.” - Jess

What made this book extra special for me are the quotes in the beginning of each chapter. Loved it! This book is so deeply sad, but at the same time so wonderfully written that you sometimes forget how sad it really is. The love that is described between the pages is special, and it makes you see that there are different kinds of love. The love that makes you happy, and the love that makes you cling to it because the fear of being alone is bigger than realizing that you are not ready to love someone else before you can accept the person you are, and love that person.

“He doesn't know that my monsters have infected my mind for so long that I no longer know where they end and I begin.” - Jess

In this book I've highlighted so many passages like never before. I'm a total sucker for quotes and this book is full of wonderful words.

Book review: Take This Regret Series by A.L.Jackson

Take This Regret Series:

#0.5 Lost To You

#1 Take This Regret

#2 If Forever Comes

Heartbreaking. Wrecking. Absolutely amazing. Unbelievably emotional. Uniquely beautiful.

This is by far the best series I've ever read. I don't think there's ever been a book (series) that broke my heart as many times as this one did. My emotions were all over the place just like those of the characters. I'm almost sure that my words won't do this series justice, but it's so worth a review so here it is:

The series starts with Elizabeth and Christian meeting through college and they became study partners. The attraction was there from the first minute, but Elizabeth tried to fight her feelings, so they remained friends until neither of them could take it anymore and they almost exploded with feelings.

“I didn't do flings. I fell in love, and falling in love with someone like Christian was a mistake I couldn't afford.” - Elizabeth (Lost To You)

Take This Regret follows their tough time while trying to decide what is wrong and what is right. There are flashbacks to the times when everything went wrong. Christian made a decision he will regret forever. He left Elizabeth when she needed him most, but he left more behind than just the woman he loved. He has to fight hard for what he wants. Harder than he might've ever imagined. He hurt the person he loved the most so deeply that there might be no second chance.

“We had the power to destroy, to devastate and ruin, to lay the other to waste.” - Christian (Take This Regret)

They thought they made it, had it all until fate brings them down again. If Forever Comes deals with more heartache and emotion than the first two books of the series. Elizabeth spends her days in a haze, drowning in pain and sorrow. She can't stand seeing Christian, barely makes it through the days while the pain is eating her up from inside. It takes a long time until the reader finds out what really happened, what shattered their life together, but I had a suspicion and it turned out to be true.

“And when we'd fallen, we had completely fallen apart.” - Christian (If Forever Comes)

I absolutely fell in love with A.L. Jackon's writing style. How she describes Christian and Elizabeth's feelings, their emotions, their heartache. A lot of authors can learn from that. She describes a feeling so detailed that you feel like it's your own pain, your own sorrow. I've never read something like this.

I described the books only shortly because otherwise I would give too much away of what happens during the series.

The stories were a roller coaster ride of emotions. Elizabeth and Christian were deeply in love, spend four years together, five years apart, until they eventually found their way back together. It took a long fight, a lot of pain, true and honest words, cruel words, and a whole lot of love. But fate shattered their just created life again, and made them fight even harder for what they wanted. They had to find out how much they could take.

It's a beautiful story about love, pain, betrayal, struggle, sorrow and strength.

Christian fought hard for his family, he had to earn their trust and their love. He had to show Elizabeth that he had changed, and that he was worth trusting. Elizabeth had to decide if she could bury the feeling of betrayal, and trust him again.

Even though they both had to go through so much, in If Forever Comes I really wanted to slap Elizabeth for being such a selfish woman. It wasn't just her who had to fight the battle. But even more I just wanted to hug her and Christian. This book made me so sad and my heart ached for both of them.

“You are the most selfish person I ever met.” - Christian to Elizabeth (If Forever Comes)

This is one of those series that will stick with you. That makes you think about choices you've made. That words cut deeper than any knife ever could. That actions and words can't just be taken back.

If Forever Comes is more emotional than The Fault In Our Stars (by John Green), in a completely different way. I love this series to pieces, and I will definitely buy the paperbacks of this series so that I can cradle the books in my hands and look at them all the time.

This series was a huge inspiration for my own writing. A person who can write like this - describe emotions in such detailed ways without really repeating herself while describing pain and sorrow over and over again must be a wonderful person. Thanks A.L. Jackson for such a great series!

Bookreview: 'Staying On Top' by Lyla Payne

*I received an ARC in exchange for my honest review*

Sam Bradford has it all—he’s the #2 tennis player in the world, plenty of girls want to date him, and he’ll never want for money. At least, that’s what he thought until his accountant stole everything and disappeared. Interpol has no idea where to start, and neither does the American F.B.I., so Sam figures he’ll just have to take care of his body and play a few extra years to make it back.

When Blair Paddington, the accountant’s daughter and a friend of a friend at Whitman, shows up and claims she can help Sam get his money back he’s torn between wanting justice and the very real possibility that Blair is just as big a con man as her father. When she promises not only money, but justice, Sam agrees—but only if he can go along on the search.

The two of them set off on an adventure neither rich kid is prepared for—cheap hostels, the same clothes three days in a row, and nothing but a backpack of possessions—so they can fly under the radar as college lovers on a winter break. In spite of Blair’s shady family, her daring and resourceful personality strike Sam’s interest and he finds himself falling for the one girl he shouldn’t.

When they finally find her father, the truths that come to light not only make Sam question his affection for Blair, but could cost him more than money—if they can’t work together one last time, neither of them may be going home. Ever.

Sam and Blair first met when they were on holiday in St.Moritz with friends. Sam showed his interest in Blair but Blair turned him down, not wanting to hook up with a guy who gets every girl he wants, and too afraid to get closer to people and actually having to trust them.

“She reminded me of an animal in the woods, one trying to decide whether or not to take the carrot out of my hand. Scaring her away was the last thing I wanted.”

When they meet again Blair tries her best to ignore her growing feelings for Sam, his charm and him trying to make her see how good things could be if she would just let it happen. They are on a mission: getting Sam's money back; at least that's what Sam thinks is the plan. But for Blair it's way more than that.

“And there was no doubt I would lose him. The only question was when.”

After her mother died, it's always been Blair and her father, or just Blair. Her father's been gone most of the time, wanted by Interpol and the FBI for stealing rich people's money.

But how much does Blair know about Sam's stolen money when she comes to him to team up with him to track down her father? That's what Sam tries to find out while slowly falling for the only girl he probably shouldn't fall for.

“You're really pretty when you smile. For a devil.”

Sam is not the typical rich bad boy, the manwhore known for his way of fucking around. Sure, he had his fair share of women but I like the side of him we get to know in Staying On Top. I like how different the story is, compared to the other Whitman University books (which I also highly recommend). I'm not the biggest fan of book series but this is one of the best I've ever read. I love the characters, how they all have their life outside of university.

LylaPayne told Sam's and Blair's story in a great way. During their road trip we get to know both of them, how they discover their feelings, how they try to hide them and how they fight them. It's told in a gorgeous way of two people getting to know each other, trying to be friends when they know there's more than that. Their feelings develop slower than most of the NA loves in books and it's so much better, I think. It creates an anticipation and excitement, and I loved every page of this book.

I couldn't put it down and love Lyla's writing style. She's an inspiration for my own writing and that's what makes books special for me. This one is special and I highly recommend it.

I feel alive

That's what music does. Did you ever try to describe music? It's like describing love – like describing what water tastes like. It's a precious part in my life. Music has become such an important for me. I listen to music any chance I get. And going to concerts is one of the best things.

No matter how much you doubt anything in your life, about yourself, or whatever it is you're feeling right then, music makes it better. Someone said that the best thing about when the music hits you is, that you feel no pain. And it's true. It erases pain, it makes it better, it helps. I don't know where I'd be without music and I'm grateful for all the bands I love for making music. For helping people, for giving us the time of our lives when they play live for the crowd. Music shouldn't be about trying to impress others with the bands you're listening to. I listen to music just for me. At concerts I don't care about anything else for at least two hours and it's the best f***ing feeling. Is there anything better than being in a room full of people who are all there for the same reason?

When the lights go out, and people start cheering and screaming, and the band enters the stage. The first tunes flow through the room and everyone claps their hands and sings the first lines of the song. Spending the night with live music is one of the best ways to spend it.

And for a little while I feel alive.

I am thankful!

I'm actually thankful for so many things. I intended to post this yesterday when it was Thanksgiving in the US, but I'm not from the US so I thought it doesn't really matter when I post this.

Yesterday at work I thought that it would be nice to celebrate something like Thanksgiving here in Germany. I often think that people take too many things for granted. They don't think about what it means to have certain people in their life. They're there and they expect them to always be there. But maybe they're not. I learned the hard way that too many people leave your life way too early. I lost so many people due to different circumstances and maybe that makes you think about things differently. I try to tell the people I really love and want in my life how much they mean to me. I even feel guilty when I forget to tell my mom that I love her when I go back to university on Sundays. It sounds crazy but I want her to know and hear it. I'm always afraid that one day another person I love will be gone. Those things scare me but I confront myself with those thoughts, even if that sounds crazy but it's a good thing for me, or not so good.

I'm thankful for the people in my life, those who show me or tell me that they're happy to be in my life. I'm one of those who need a constant reminder that they actually want to be friends with me, that it means something to them. I doubt myself way too often and way too much, and them telling me they like being friends with me helps a lot.

I need those people in my life who support my crazy ideas, my unhealthy obsessions, my fucked up moods and the times when I doubt myself too much. I'm thankful for my parents (that actually includes my mom and stepdad). And I'm thankful for two people who gave me the chance of my life this year. Two authors who let me do what I love doing – editing their books. They gave me my first chances and didn't really know what to expect. I'm so thankful for that because they helped me so much in getting closer to my dream-job.

On another note, I'm thankful for my dog, books, music, TV shows (I'm really addicted to American TV shows, I can't help it), movies, traveling, and all things awesome. Online shopping, yeah, I'm definitely thankful for that.

I'm sure I forgot a lot of things and there are too often moments in my life when I forget all these things I just mentioned. I forget them when I'm down, when I'm annoyed, when I don't feel good. But I try to remind myself of all the good things.

xx

Bookreview: 'Be My Downfall' by Lyla Payne

*I received an ARC in exchange for my honest review*

Toby Wright has always prided himself on being one of the most normal guys at Whitman University. He loves his parents, has a great job lined up after graduation, and with the exception of attempting to cross the unbalanced Sebastian Blair sophomore year, has kept his nose pretty clean.

But the rich never have empty closets, and memories long stashed away come spilling free when notorious party girl Kennedy Gilbert almost dies in his dorm room.

Nobody really knows how Kennedy manages to stay in good standing at Whitman–she never goes to class, doesn’t pretend to care about her future, and as far as people can tell, is never sober. This isn’t her first meeting with a stomach pump, but it is the first time she’s woken up to Toby’s concerned brown eyes. Despite the fact that she prefers life without friends, he gets under her skin with his insistence on playing her guardian angel.

No one knows better than Toby that people can only be saved if they want to be, but the realization that she has no one else draws him back into the shadows of Kennedy’s life–and eventually into her bed. But she long ago came to terms with a truth that Toby refuses to accept: she doesn’t want to be rescued, she only wants to forget.

Unwilling to give up on her, Toby’s dragged under by this broken girl and her dark, twisted Whitman University he never guessed existed. If he struggles to the surface, he’ll abandon someone he loves for the second time in his life. If he doesn’t, it won’t be long until they both drown.

“She had taught me about real love – and that it had to be selfless.”

This book left me speechless and broke my heart a million times. This is one of the most emotional books I've read lately. Lyla Payne has a way with words, and if you consider that the story was only told from the male character's POV, Toby Wright, it gives you even more reasons to be speechless.

It's not only about love. It's about loss, pain, finding yourself, accepting who you are and mostly about living life.

Toby Wright is not the typical golden boy. He doesn't get into trouble, doesn't drink much and is a good student.

Kennedy Gilbert is not the typical girl. She's barely ever sober, doesn't plan her future and only takes classes she neither has to work for nor attend.

Even though Toby knows it's not a wise idea, he gets involved with Kennedy and her countless problems. Kennedy tries her best to push Toby away, to not feel anything good because she doesn't deserve it, and to piss him off. She has more problems than anyone ever noticed and tries to handle them her way. Toby failed once but now he wants to do the right thing. After spending some weeks with a notorious party girl and witnessing her ways of handling life he realizes it's not that easy to save her from herself.

“You can't save anyone who isn't willing to save themselves.”

How do you save a person who doesn't want to be saved? How do you handle someone who's so willingly throwing her life away? How do you live when the only person left in your life tells you that you don't deserve to be alive?

I already loved the first two books in Lyla Payne's Whitman University Series but this one is by far my favorite. Maybe it's because it's written from the male POV only, or because of the fact that it's not only about young love. It's not only about two college students falling in love, it's about struggling with life, the past and the fact that you can't save everyone.

Life isn't always easy, and just because your parents are filthy rich doesn't mean life's always fair or you're not struggling with events that are long gone. Life is not perfect.

Even though the reader only gets to read about Toby's thoughts we also get a good impression about what Kennedy feels, thinks and about how she sees her life, her future and herself.

I'm still swooning over Toby and, damn, I totally fell in love with that guy. He's no bad boy and he tries to be the hero in Kennedy's life, but everyone needs a hero sometimes.

I enjoyed this book so much and can't wait to read more from Lyla Payne. 

I highly recommend this book and the whole series! 

My Life According To All Time Low

Two friends already posted this game and as I love song challenges I had to do this one, too.

So the rules are simple: Choose a band and use their song titles, cleverly answer the questions with song titles, use every song only once. Done. It's harder than you think. Re-post as: My Life According To...

I chose All Time Low, one of my favorite bands. It was hard sometimes, but those games are always fun.

 

Pick your artist.  
All Time Low


Are you male or female?  
That Girl


Describe yourself.
A Daydream Away


How do you feel?  
Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass


Describe where you currently live.
Somewhere in Neverland


If you could go anywhere, where would you go?  
Hello, Brooklyn


Your favorite form of transportation:  
Let It Roll


Your best friend is...  
The Reckless And The Brave


You and your best friends are...  
Lost In Stereo


What's the weather like?  
Six Feet Under The Stars


If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?
Coffee Shop Soundtrack


What is life to you?  
Sick Little Games


Your last relationship:
A Love Like War


Your fear:  
Therapy


What is the best advice you have to give?  
Stay Awake (Dreams Only Last For A Night)


How would you like to die?
Weightless


Your soul's present condition?  
The Irony Of Choking On A Lifesaver


Your motto:  
To Live And Let Go

Let me know if you did this, too, and link me to your blog. Have fun!